


Getting into Hot Water

by monaboyd_archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-02
Updated: 2003-12-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 11:29:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7638367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monaboyd_archivist/pseuds/monaboyd_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is rough with Treebeard. Our heroes get a much needed break</p>
            </blockquote>





	Getting into Hot Water

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Shirasade: this story was originally archived at the Monaboyd.net Archive, which was closed in September 2014 due to software issues and a lack of new submissions for several years. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in October 2014. I e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on the Monaboyd.net Archive collection profile.

His Gran used to have the most hideous chair. Truly. He hated to sit in it, swore it was as uncomfortable as it was hideous. However, after spending a few too many minutes/hours/days perched, no, make that dangled on a bicycle seat in Treebeard, that old chair of his Grans was suddenly looking like a piece of heaven.

“Dom, Ah swear Ah dinnae think Ah could go another bloody take in Trrreebeard t’dey” Billy gingerly sat down on the sofa next to Dom.

“Bloody hell, Bils, I think I lost one of my balls today. I think Treebeard perved it right off of my body! Pete didn’t tell us our Ent lusted for hobbit nuts.” Dom groaned and closed his eyes.

“Eh? Lost one of yer manly parts? Are yeh feart t’ be lookin or do yeh fancy Ah take a peek for yeh?” Billy quirked an eyebrow at Dom and grinned salaciously.

“Oi, how can you even think to move let alone look for my missing nut?”

Silence

“ Ermm, Billy? I’m scared.”

“Not bloody likely…”

“No, listen…it just occurred to me that I am so sore I am not even thinking about sex for once. You just offered to look down my trousers and I completely passed that up” Dom turned slightly to look at Billy leaning next to him. Turning any further or quicker was too much work and discomfort.

“Ach, well, Ah made the offer, yes, but Ah kin hardly move meself”

Silence

**Meanwhile:**

 

 _“Weasel? Weeeeeeeeaaasel?”_ the voice was very tiny

 _“Oi, Nesseh, what?”_ this voice sounded infinitely tired.

_“Weasel,…is it true?”_

_“Is what true?”_

_“That Trreebeard ate part o’yeh?”_ it was a very tiny and worried sounding voice.  
_‘That Trreebeard tis’nt natural. He’s left meh brrruised all ovah but he hasn’t eaten part of meh yet. Ah’m more than feart of him, the bluidy tosser”_

_“Oh yeah, Wanker Boy and I could hear all sorts of moanin from yer Bill”_

_“Ach, well, Himself cannae be helped for it. Damm if we weren’t in a pinch!”_ the voice began to sound a bit stronger _“But Ah heard yeh give a grrreat yelp and now yer Dommie is sayin he lost a bit o’ yeh to the fookin tree”_

_“Calm down Nesseh, I think I still have all of me. Just some parts of me are retreatin…”_

_“Ah know, Ah know…Himself used to know this terrrrible lass…Ach, but she had a rrrrrrrrough touch…emm, more like a squeeeeze than a touch! Usta make meh retreat and droop all at the same time.”_

_“Wanker Boy has his rough moments but never makes me wanna droop and retreat.”_

**Back to the couch:**

“Hey Billy…”

“No, Ah dinna want teh go out dancin with Viggo and Karl tonight”

“Billy…”

“Dom, Ah don’t fancy goin to the pub to beat yer sorry arse at pool n’ havin a pint or five.”

“Bill-llly.. I’m…”

“Doncha even be thinkin of havin a shag either, mah manly parts are not yet….”

“William Fucking Boyd, would ya shut it and just listen to me?”

Billy obediently shut it as per request and locked his green eyes on Dom.

“Right. Now, I was going to suggest we go out back and use that nice big hot tub. Orlando was ravin about it last week. Just the two of us… relaxed in a huge tub of hot bubblin soothin water. Don’t know why we’ve never used it….soooo, what do ya fancy doing? Sitting on your arse here moanin about your sore bits or gettin into that hot tub with me and soaking ?”

“Dom?”

“Yessssss Billy?” Dom tried not to fidget. It hurt to fidget.

“Why do Ah suddenly have a middle name? Ah dinna realize Ah had such a thing.”

**Back to those tender sore parts:**

 

_“Ooooo Nesseh, did ya hear that? Wanker Boy is gonna give us a bath!”_

_“Ahhh that sounds nice n’ cozy good for all mah sore parts. Mebbe Himself will wrap a nice warm cloth over us. Aye, a nice warm wet cloth , a tender touch and a prrromise nevah to let tha fookin Trrreebeard touch us agin is about perrrrfect to meh.”_

_“Then maybe later we can think about shaggin, eh, Neeseh?”_

_“Emm…Ahmm thinkin…Ahmm thinkin…..No.”_

**So our intrepid hobbit heroes eventually crawled off their couch and drug their sore bodies out to the back yard where waited a brand new New Zealand 5000 Hot Tub Pro, the best any studio is willing to buy when it knows it may have battered actors in need. Or randy studio executives who need any excuse to shag….oh, wait, that’s another story…back to our manly men.**

“Well, since it’s just the two of us Billy, we can just go starkers”

“Fook, Ah don’t fookin care if the entire cast n’ crew were here, it hurts just takin off what Ah have on let alone put on some other silly thing. Carry on, carry on!

“Shut it, Bills…I’m movin as fast as a wounded hobbit can move”

“Ahm gonna kick yer arse into that tub….if Ah could but lift meh leg to reach yer arse…” mumbled Billy.

“ Oi, but this is hot water Billy…Fuck,but its hot. You could poach an egg…”

“Doncha be goin there Dommie…tis hot ….ach…hot….”

**Meanwhile below:**

_“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! HOT! HOT! HOT!”_ screamed Weasel

 _“NoNoNOOOOOOOOOO. Ahm bein Cooked! HOT!HOT!HOT!!!!!!!”_ wailed Nesseh

_“Oi,Oi, Ooooooooiiiii, Nesseh…it was nice knowin ya! Tis the end of us mate!!”_

_“Weasel…Weasel….Ah’ve loved shaggin ya…Ahm cooked, Ahm disappearin!”_

**Above the water we find out two heroes courageously giving into the restorative powers of modern science in the form of bubbly hot water in motion within a hot tub:**

“Ohhhhh Dom this is fookin sweet.”

“Fuck yes…”

silence…

“Uhmmm Billy…now I’m really worried.”

“Eh? What about Dommie?”

"The water feels great and all…but …but …this is the smallest I’ve ever seen my Weasel….”

‘Ach, well, yer Weasel has always been smaller than meh Nesseh. Yeh can’t help yerself for being such a wee lad”

“ _Can’t help myself!_ …. Billy you know my Weasel is bigger…

“Dom yeh may be the tallest but yeh canna be the biggest…that would be Sean with Cockzilla”

‘Oh now that one just looks painful…I have no idea how Elijah takes it…”

“Ah reckon he handles it …

**Once more down into the watery depths…**

_“Emm Weasel….Ah think Ahm growin! Tis a miracle! Ah’m not cooked!”_ Nesseh all but crowed.

 _‘I dunno Nesseh… tell the Billy to give me a hand…I need some pettin!”_ Weasel sounded very tiny and pitiful.

**…And back to the surface we go…**

“So Billy…how much longer did Pete reckon we were filmin Treebeard?”

“Doncha mean t’say how much longer is Trrreebeard gonna gnaw on yer wee nuts?”

“ Hey! There is nothing wee about my balls!..” Dominic stood up suddenly, doing his best to look the very image of Wounded Masculine Pride.

“Rrrright. Yeh say it but as Ah see it… or not” Billy peered down into the steam, giggling as he vainly tried to part the water for a better look.

“ Just reach for yourself mate, don’t play the shy girl with me. My Wonder Weasel awaits…”

**…bubble bubble bubble….**

_“That’s right Wanker Boy! Get the Billy to give us a good pettin!”_ squeaked Weasel _“Pet me, Pet me! Memememeee”_

_“Go ‘head , pet the weasel, jus dinna ferget yer dear sweet Nesseh!”_

**….ahhh fresh cool air…**

‘Sooo Wanka Boy, yeh wish to be petted eh?”

“Wanker Boy? That your new name for me Billy? You’ve never called me that before.” Dom looked quizzically at Billy

‘Emm, err…so Ah haven’t…Ah wonder what…” Billy shook his head and blinked, feeling quite mystified.

“But since you mentioned getting petted…Come’mere and let me pet that kilt monster of yours, ya nutter” Dom drew Billy close to him and easily found Nesseh just as Billy discovered a very eager Weasel responding to his hand.

 _“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY !”_ shouted the ecstatic Weasel and Nesseh as they rubbed against each other in the frothy waters.

 

**…And so began another hot episode of much snogging and shagging, in the hot tub, out of the tub, into the kitchen, over the sofa, onto the stairs….and as rumor has it…even in Treebeard…but that’s for another time…**  



End file.
